Where's Helen, and Who Wants to Know?

EPISODE 5 - WHERE'S HELEN, AND WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

FLLOYD

Helen has been missing in action, as far as her family is concerned, and they are concerned, so they decide to hunt her down in her lair, so to speak. This week's episode features guest artists John Warner as Jonathan, Christopher McDougal as Charlie and Erica Sanderson as Susie. Just a wee reminder: we are totally unfunded by external sources, so I'm only I'm paying these actors a pittance, believe you me. So if you'd like to help support them, why not drop a fiver or just $1, even in buymeacoffee.com/amIoldyet, or you could become a patron over at Patreon.com/amIoldyet and we will all be hugely, hugely grateful. Enjoy. 

JONATHAN
What's going on with your mother? 
JANEY

What do you mean, darling? 
JONATHAN

Well, I know you speak to her just about every day, but you don't seem to have much to report back to me. 
JANEY

No, she's... she's going to Susie's classes, and she has coffee with Jennifer. 
JONATHAN 

Oh yes, I thought Jennifer was moving out. 
JANEY

Well, no, they took the flat off the market. Couldn't get a decent price, so they thought they'd wait another couple of years. They're quite a bit younger than Helen, you know. 
JONATHAN

Ah, oh yes. When's when's she coming up to visit us. 
JANEY

That's a good question. I'll ask her again, but she just doesn't seem to want to travel. 
JONATHAN

Has she really gotten over that accident? 
JANEY

I don't think she has. She thinks she has. 
JONATHAN

This is all a bit of a downer, isn't it? Should we crack open a bottle? 
JANEY

Perhaps there's some lovely new lemonade and ginger in the fridge. 
JONATHAN

Ah. Ah, one of those bottles. Indeed. 
JANEY

What were you thinking? 
JONATHAN

I was thinking that rather nice Pinot Grigio I picked up last night on my way home from college. 
JANEY

Hmm. Well, why not? Would you like some cake? 
JONATHAN

Cake? Have you been making cake? 
JANEY

Yes. Why are you so surprised? I often make cake. 
JONATHAN

I don't think you've made cake since we've been in Edinburgh. 
JANEY

Well, I had to do something because I was actually-I am worried about Mum, and I-I needed something to do, something different from what I normally do. So I made a cake. 
JONATHAN

Okay, what sort of a cake? 
JANEY

Chocolate walnut. 
JONATHAN

Oh, hoh-oh! You're speaking my language. Bring it on. 
JANEY

All right. Well, you can bring it on. It's in the fridge as well, next to the bottle of Pinot Grigio.
JONATHAN 

 Ah, yeah, got it. Oh, nice. Okay. 
JANEY
 
But Jon, what are we going to do about Mum? 
JONATHAN

Short of kidnapping her and bringing her up here, I really don't think there's much we can do. She's... she's managing. Is she managing? 
JANEY

I don't know. She says she is, but I don't know if I can trust her. 
JONATHAN

Well send Susie along to check her. Check out the flat and see what's going on there. 
JANEY

I did that, and she said everything looked fine. Mum seemed fine. 
JONATHAN

Hmm... Fine. 
JANEY

Yes. Fine. 
JONATHAN

Okay, that's enough of that. Right. How about Charlie? What's he up to?
TRANSITION
SCENE 2
CHARLIE
 Well, why don't you ask her over here for a meal? 
SUSIE

I did. She just said not at the moment. 
CHARLIE

Is she on some kind of diet or something? 
SUSIE

I don't think so. She just didn't seem to want to go out.
CHARLIE

 And she didn't ask us over there for a meal. 
SUSIE

No, no, she did not. And that is unusual now that you mention it, 
CHARLIE

Well, why don't we ask ourselves over there for a meal? But we take the meal with us. 
SUSIE

What — you mean, like a takeaway? A take-in away.
CHARLIE

Yes. You could cook something. 
SUSIE

Don't be ridiculous. 
CHARLIE

All right. Then I could cook something.
SUSIE

Such as?
CHARLIE

Ah... my speciality Thai green curry. 
SUSIE

That's a thought. If you want to do it, let's do it. 
CHARLIE

Right! Well, you phone her up to make sure she's not out gallivanting, and I'll pop down to the supermarket to pick up a few bits and bobs. 
SUSIE

Okay. All right. 
TRANSITION
SCENE 3
HELEN

Yes? Oh hi Susie. 
SUSIE

Hi Gran. How you doing? 
HELEN

I'm doing fine, thank you. How are you? 
SUSIE

Oh, absolutely dandy. Um, Gran, are you busy this evening?
HELEN

Not particularly. What did you have in mind?
SUSIE

Well, Charlie is.. he's talking about making his fabulous Thai green curry, and he always makes far too much, and I hate having leftover sitting in the fridge, and so I wondered if— 
HELEN

No, no, I don't want to go out. 
SUSIE

Oh no, no, no, no, no. How about we come to you with the food? Not a take away, but a... a sort of a take it in. 
HELEN

Oh, oh, all right. Yeah, that'd be nice. 
SUSIE

You sure? 
HELEN

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No! Thai green curry. That sounds good to me. Good. 
SUSIE

Right then. We'll be over around seven. That do you? 
HELEN

Ah, seven. Okay. Yeah. All right. 
SUSIE

No, is something going on? 
HELEN

No, not at all. No, no, seven's good. See you then. Bye,

DIAL TONE. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

SUSIE

Charlie? She hung up on me. 

CHARLIE

Gosh. Who did? Helen? She okay? 
SUSIE

Yeah, I just asked her if she'd like us to come over tonight with the Thai green curry, and she said yes, and then she hung up. 
CHARLIE

Hmm... Right. Okay. Well, clear the way. Got to get this stuff into the kitchen, and then we'll see what's what when we get there. Okay. 
TRANSITION
SCENE 4 
JANEY

So you're going to.. you're even taking her food parcels now. I think that's lovely. 
SUSIE 

Yes... I do too... Really. Charlie's Thai green curry is rather special. 
JANEY

Good. And what goes with it? 
SUSIE

What do you mean? 
JANEY

Well, rice. You're taking the rice too? 
SUSIE

Oh, I assume so. He knows what he's doing. 
JANEY

And what about some chutneys or that sort of thing, 
SUSIE

Mu-umm! As I said, Charlie knows what he's doing. He'll have it all organized. 
JANEY

Good. And so she hung up on you? I don't like the sound of that. 
SUSIE

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe she, maybe she just needed to go to the loo in a hurry. But—
JANEY

Oh well, I suppose that's a possibility. Well, let me know what you find out.
SUSIE

I will. Don't worry. 
JANEY

As if... Talk soon. Call me tomorrow. 
SUSIE

Okay. 

SCENE 5
JOHN'S VERSION OF "WALTZING MATILDA" FROM BAKED OFF PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
DOOR UNLOCKING AND OPENING

SUSIE

We're here, Gran. 
HELEN
Lovely. Come on through. 
SUSIE

Charlie's just bringing everything up from the car. 
HELEN

Good. I'm looking forward to this. 
SUSIE

Oh, I hope so. 
HELEN

Yeah, goodie. 
SUSIE

Um. Oh! you've set the table. Oh, that's— Oh, you've even put a tablecloth down. 
(laughing)
HELEN

Well, don't sound so surprised. You know I've got one, and I thought I'd make an effort. 
SUSIE

Well, I am delighted. It will do Charlie's sumptuous feast... it'll make it look even better. 
HELEN

That's what I thought. Now I've got a bottle of wine in the fridge. If you're up for it, 
SUSIE

Oh, that'd be lovely. We brought one too. Shall we start with yours? 
HELEN

Yeah, off you go. 
SUSIE

Good... 
HEADING FOR THE KITCHEN
How's Jennifer? 
FROM THE KITCHEN
HELEN

Oh, oh, she's good. Yeah, she and Harry are doing quite nicely. 
SUSIE

What's that playing on the radio? 
HELEN

Oh, it's not the radio. It's the the woman who sits in the corner. 
SUSIE

Echo, 
HELEN

No, I changed her name.  
SUSIE
To what?
HELEN
Ziggy.
SUSIE
Oh! Well. That's... unique.

HELEN

No it's not.

SUSIE

Is that your playlist? Very cheery. Is that Australian. 
HELEN

I thought so. I'll turn it off now. Otherwise I can't hear a word you say.. Ziggy!
(ding dong)
Stop!
MUSIC STOPS. KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
SUSIE
I'll get it.
CHARLIE
Okay. Here we are, gangway. I'll head for the kitchen. Just need to reheat this a little bit. Is that okay? 
HELEN
Of course. You help yourself. Very honored, Charlie. Thank you for thinking of this, including me in your feast. 
CHARLIE

Oh, we often think of you. You know, it's just that you haven't been to ours for a while, so we thought we'd come to yours.
HELEN

 Oh, well I suppose it has been a while. Yeah.I'll just get the glasses. White ok? To start, anyway?
CHARLIE
Good for me, thanks.
SUSIE
Me too.  Thanks Gran.  Anything I can do, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Sure, get the plates down. And cutlery.
SUSIE
Table's already set. Didn't you notice?
CHARLIE
Nnnnooo... Kinda had my hands full at the time.

SCENE 6

DISHES CLATTERING IN THE KITCHEN.
HELEN
Leave the dishes, darling. You don't need to wash them
SUSIE
I don't mind Gran, I'll just 
HELEN
No, don't just anything. Seriously. You don't need to wash them
SUSIE
Why not? Are you expecting the fairies to come in and do them for you?
HELEN
No. Haven't seen the fairies since you were knee high to a grasshopper.
CHARLIE
Gawd! That long?
HELEN
Indeed. I managed to convince her there was a tribe of them under the sink. Which was why she wasn't allowed to look in there. 
CHARLIE
Clever
HELEN 
I thought so. 
CHARLIE
What did she think would happen if she looked?
SUSIE
She said they would fly away and never return. They'd be homeless, wandering the streets of London looking for a cupboard to move into.
CHARLIE
Well what was so bad about that? Were they paying rent?
HELEN
Not at all. They were costing me, if anything. 
CHARLIE
How so?
HELEN
Well, I had to buy little fairy trinkets and leave them lying around the place for her to find. 
SUSIE
Yes, and she'd complain about how untidy they were, leaving their things here there and everywhere. So   I had to go around collecting them, and leaving them in a neat pile in front of the sink cupboard. 
CHARLIE
Nice. 
HELEN
I thought so. Good housekeeping skills training.
SUSIE
Still doesn't explain why I'm not allowed to wash the dishes. 
HELEN
It's because I have a dishwasher.
SUSIE 
A what?
HELEN
A dishwasher! You have heard of them, haven't you?
SUSIE
Yes of course I have. But where is it? I can't see one
HELEN
Try the cupboard next to the sink.
SUSIE
(from deep in the kitchen)
The cupboard next to the... 
(opening door)
Oh.  Well well well. How clever is that! Very well concealed.
CHARLIE
When did you have it put in, Helen?
HELEN
About a month ago. 
CHARLIE
And what brought that on?
HELEN
Oh... I just thought I could do with some luxury item, you know. This whole 'make things easier' movement that I've been complaining about. I was standing at the sink one day thinking 'why am I standing here all this time washing dishes if I don't have to?' 
SUSIE
Well good for you. 
CHARLIE
I'm curious.  What was in the cupboard before?
HELEN
A whole bunch of saucepans and flying pans... flying pans?  HAHAHAHA>. frying pans that I hardly, if ever, used any more. I don't think I've used more than one saucepan, and one small frying pan for years.
SUSIE 
Why not?
HELEN
Oh Susie. Because I don't do all that much cooking any more. I don't need to. I certainly don't need all those blooming things cluttering up my space. So I did my research, found a little half size washing machine that fit the bill, and Jenny put me onto a plumber friend of Harry's. Job done. Happy me.
CHARLIE
Well congratulations.  I hope you and your new dishwasher have a long and happy relationship.  
HELEN  
Me too.
SUSIE
Well, ok then. I'll load it up for you.
HELEN
Excellent. Saves me bending down to do it.
CHARLIE
Is that a problem for you?
HELEN
What?
CHARLIE 
Bending down. 
HELEN  
Humph... 
SUSIE
(from the kitchen)
What was that?
CHARLIE
I asked your Gran if bending down was a problem for her.
  SUSIE
Oh.
(coming out of the kitchen)
And is it? Gran? I always thought you were pretty flexible.
 HELEN
And I was, thank you very much. But nothing lasts forever, and that includes my bones. And ligatures... ligatures? that's not right. Bendy bits between the bones. Ligaments! And Cartilage! They wear out. And mine are doing just that. Believe me, you don't want to know.
SUSIE AND CHARLIE
Yes I do! / I rather think I do!
HELEN
No you don't. It'll happen to you soon enough,
SUSIE
What will?  What is happening to you? ... Please Gran. We really do want to know. 
HELEN
Why? It's just normal stuff. The ageing process, as they say.
SUSIE
Who says? Are you in pain? Coz if you are, there must be something that can help you.
HELEN
Yes! I told you.  It's called a dishwasher.
CHARLIE
But are you actually in pain, Helen?
HELEN
Oh dear, you two.  It that what this is all about? I thought we were just having a lovely meal.
SUSIE
We were. And we are. But we are also worried about you.
HELEN
Why?
SUSIE
Because you aren't answering phone calls, you won't come out to see us. You've stopped coming to class, for no good reason that I can understand.
CHARLIE
We are all worried about you, Helen.
HELEN
All?  Oh.  You've been talking to your mother, of course you have.
SUSIE
Yes of course I have. So what is it? What's going on.
HELEN
Susie, nothing is 'going on'. I'm fine. For My Age!  Savvy the jazz?  This is normal, it is to be expected. I'm 82 years old, and my body is degenerating. Hey! I'm a regular degenerate!!!
SUSIE
But what does that even mean?
HELEN
It means, my darling angel granddaughter, that I just have to slow down. I can't rush around the way I used to. No more leaping about at the same pace as you two. I have to take my time. MY time. Understand. And if I do so, reasonably carefully, I may last a bit longer than if I don't slow down. And it's frustrating that I can't join in with everything that is on offer, including trotting over to your place when you ask me, at least, not every time. 
SUSIE
Oh.
HELEN
It doesn't mean I'm about to drop dead, it just means I'm stepping back to get the measure of this new stage I'm entering.
CHARLIE
What stage is that?
HELEN
Well, I'm still a  crone, and an elder, or any other synonym deemed appropriate to describe my role, or function in society, according to my age range.  But wh en it comes to my physical state of being, what I am, undeniably, unquestionably, unequivocally, (ooh, three good words at once!) - where was I? 
SUSIE
You were—
HELEN

Oh yes, what I AM, is old. Get it? ... Do you get it?
CHARLIE 
AND SUSIE
(hesitantly)
Yeah. / I guess so
HELEN
Good. Now who wants to load the dishwasher? 
CHARLIE 
AND SUSIE
I'll do it!
HELEN
Excellent. Now don't fight over it, children. And call me when you want to know how to switch it on. Took me about a week to figure it out.
THE END

OUTRO
FLLOYD
And there you have it. Finally, the question is answered. Sorry, I'm croaking away here. Oh, Helen and I are old. There you go. It's not so bad, is it? Wasn't so hard after all. It comes to us all in the end, but this is not the end because I've got at least one more episode almost ready to record and send into the ether for your listening pleasure. So, as I mentioned before, the guest artists in this episode were Christopher... I was going to say Chris topher Columbus. Sorry, Chris. Christopher McDougal. He's very patient with my slips and whatever's. Christopher McDougal as Charlie, and Erica Sanderson as the delightful Susie, John Warner as Jonathan, and I played Janie and Helen. The theme and incidental music is from John T La Barbera's "In the Labyrinth". The version of "Waltzing Matilda" that Helen listens to on her "woman in the corner" was also performed by John T, originally for our limited series, sister podcast "Baked Off! Live, laugh, Loaves" And yes, so that's that's episode five. In episode six, Helen's going to have a bit of a catch up with her ex, but still husband. If you listen to season 12, you'll understand what that reference is. It's only six episodes, so if you've if you started right here in season 13, I highly recommend you take a step back to season 12. Oh, another thing I keep forgetting to say: could you please just drop a rate, rating, and/or a few words of review in the—wherever you're getting your podcasts, as they say, or you can do it over on my website, amIoldyet.com. There's a whole page there for people to drop their comments. You can even leave a voice note over there. How about that? I'd love to hear your voices. Yeah, that would be really cool. And if you do get over to Patreon.com and you decide to become a Patreon, one of the perks of doing that, apart from ad-free access to all the episodes, is to name a character, create a new character for me to come into within Helen's milieu, as they say, okay. That's enough of me wittering on. I'll see you next time. In the meantime, stay safe.

END